OMG UPDATE: Question? Answer.

Updated on Tuesday, February 17

#6907

QUESTION: For who ever is reading this and has any advice.
Im a guy thats 21 years old, never been in a relationship, asked a girl out 1 in his life, got rejected and no longer has the balls to look at a female directly in the face. what would you recommend me doing. as a result, my confidence has degraded tremendously aside from being an engineering student struggling not to fail. I struggle to make decisions for even the simplest thing as to what i want to eat for lunch. i cant seem to remember alot and make simple day to day decisions. most importantly, i have grown up my whole life struggling to approach people and make friends. i became solely dependent on vodka and rum to get me through a good nights sleep for a while now. Any useful advice out there?

19 comments

  1. Stop calling them "females". You sound like Quark.

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  2. Get your confidence up. Go to the gym, start studying with smarter people, maybe it'll rub off on you. Moisturize your skin. Idk man, whatever makes you feel pretty and smart.

    Remember, rejection is part of life. You just need to learn that you'll be okay if you are rejected. If theres a girl who's kind of nice, somewhat pretty, but who you're not totally crushing on, ask her out. If you're already obsessed with the girl when you ask her out, your expectations are going to be really high, and you'll feel like a shit head if you're rejected.

    Also what 1 said, don't call girls "females". This may be an extrapolation, but chances are if you call women "females" then there might be some other social subtleties that you need to sort out. Go to more parties, meet new people. As you speak to a wider variety of people you'll start to realize what people find weird, and can stop doing it.

    It's not easy and it takes time.

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    1. ^ +1

      I agree with what 2 said.

      Also maybe try talking so a counselor of some sort. They will definitely be able to help you with any sort of anxiety you might feel, they can also teach you how to be confident in yourself and build that up.
      The drinking that you mentioned, I've been there. It's not a good way to cope. Depending on why you are having difficulty sleeping please seek help. I know what it's like to depend on alcohol so that you can sleep, but it's not a good thing to do.

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  3. You should focus on the fact that you had the confidence to ask her out. Knowing that it doesn't matter what the answer was.

    One trick that worked for me was to pretend to have confidence. I know it sounds stupid, but it works. I had a really hard time meeting people and asking girls out. I just started pretending to be confident and I was able to talk to more people. You don't have to go all out day one, just do small things to start and work your way up. You will learn that you are actually better at things than you think you are. I went from barely being able to say high to a hot girl to being able to smile at her, say hi, start a conversation, and not worry what will happen if I make a fool of myself. I am still nervous when I ask a girl out, but I just remember that if she says no, it really doesn't matter. Why should it matter if she says no? What changes if she says no? Am I going to be made fun of by every person I see for the next week? NO! Am I going to know that I can't date her? Yes, but I wasn't dating her before, so I was not really set back at all.

    Start asking yourself "Why not?". If the answer includes death or potential for injury, maybe don't do it. But if the answer is "There is a chance that I might make a fool of myself" then do it! I like to go bouldering with my friends, and I am not as good as them. I will try a new route even if I know there is a 0% chance of me completing it or even getting past the start, because "why not?" Will I hurt myself? Not any more than a different route could. Will I look stupid or weak? Maybe a little bit. But if all I do is climb routes I know I can complete, then what is the point of going?

    For the alcohol problem, start exercising. If you are drinking because you need to drink, then you might want to see a counselor, If you are drinking to sleep, then just become more tired. Go outside and run around the block until you can't go any further, or do pushups until you literally can't do another one no matter how hard you try. Then take an hour break, and do it again. Pushups can take 5 minutes if you are actually trying and not super fit, so its easy to fit in.

    My old routine when I didn't have much to do on co-op was 200 push ups and 200 situps every 2-3 nights. I would start right after dinner, doing sets during commercials and credits of tv shows. After a couple hours not only was I exhausted but my sets were getting down to 5-10. By the end of the term I would do sets of 20-30 during the whole night. I slept very well after it. This could easily be incorporated into studying, every x pages, or y minutes, do as many pushups as you can do. Then next time, do sit ups, and back and forth until you get 200 of each. It is free, and you can do it on the floor of your room. It also gets the blood flowing which helps with studying.

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    1. "What changes if she says no? Am I going to be made fun of by every person I see for the next week?"

      > If you're ugly enough, you will be labeled a creep.

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  4. I started to volunteer to overcome my fear of talking to people. An example is welcome week. It really helped because everyone is so friendly and it's always a great time. You get to meet all types of people there. You'd be surprised how many engineers volunteer. We all bond to do something together. There was one coordinator who would always try to talk to every single volunteer, that person was truly the best.

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  5. I would agree with #4 and also you may simply have social anxiety, it's quite common these days, maybe try and join clubs or go to things you are interested in and you might become friends with some like-minded folk there, all depends what you are interested in and find fun, that would be a good start.

    You are 21 and only asked out one girl? no one in high school either? social anxiety or perhaps you are gay or bi or whatever and there is nothing wrong with that, try and think it through and if you think you might be then you will have a better understanding.

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    1. Are you a girl? That 2nd paragraph and lack of understanding was embarrassing to read

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  6. What you are describing sounds a lot like depression.

    Everyone is afraid of failure, and asking someone out is scary. It's normal to get really upset and feel rejected, especially given how long you must have worked to do it. I felt like that for weeks the first time I got rejected by a crush.

    But the other stuff that happened after and that is continuing to happen? The forgetting? The anxiety? The alcohol? That sounds like depression. You need to get yourself to counselling. The first counsellor might be terrible, but keep trying and find a good one. Start working through your stuff before it gets worse and your brain settles in. This kind of thing drags people down for years.

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  7. Don't worry, I've been rejected by every guy I've ever liked. I'm really shy and blush whenever I have to speak to strangers. It does hurt every time I'm turned down but I always pick myself up and try again. Don't let one rejection control how you live the rest of your life.

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  8. 1. Girls are just humans, treat them as such
    2. Melatonin for sleep (google it!)
    3. Start by loving yourself, and then love other people. And if you love yourself, you find out you don't desperately "Need" others to love, which in turn makes people like you better (you seem less desperate)
    4. Yoga/Meditation: I highly recommend it!

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  9. I read somewhere that rejected guys are more likely to drink. I guess you are reinforcing that point.

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  10. just stop it. mind over matter

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  11. Watch this video (a TED talks work friendly vid): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc
    It will really help...

    You had the courage to ask out a girl you like face to face so you definitely try to get out of your comfort zone. Some self-improvement and introspection is all that is needed! Props for realizing your weaknesses and I wish you best of luck!

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  12. You don't want to hear this, but the solution is either MDMA or LSD.
    I suggest a standard 100mg of MDMA in a glass of orange juice. Go out and have sex or stay inside and contemplate how beautiful life is and how every atom in the universe loves you.

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    1. Also don't fall into the redpill/PUA/self-improvement bullshit. It's bullshit made up by people who make lots of money selling it. The solution is within, but you can't access it right now.

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