OMG UPDATE: Question? Answer.

Updated on Wednesday, November 19

#6623

QUESTION: So I don't know if any other guys have this problem, but I have never been able to cum while having sex. I get hard and really into it but I never cum. My girlfriend and ex's all cum during intercourse but I can never do it. I can do it when I masterbate and when I watch porn but not during sex. I get enough simulation because it feels really good but no climax. I am not circumsized so shouldn't I be more sensetive? I always use condoms but still feel like I get enough simulation.

23 comments

  1. Maybe you should be talking to your doctor, rather than a public forum . . .

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  2. My ex was like that...he could last 2-3 hours and not cum. Really made sex suck for me.
    But, I think it was mental. He had some major commitment issues and other hang ups that he was in complete self denial of.

    So yea...what are you scared of? And see a doctor.

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  3. Hey mate! I had the same issues as you did when I was in my previous relationship. I had moments with my ex-girlfriend where I would cum during sex, but it would take over a half hour to do so! Sometimes, I wouldn't be able to cum at all! Eventually, things did smooth over and I wasn't able to cum in a timely fashion.

    Here are some tips that I can think of to possibly help you.

    1. Do NOT masturbate before sex. In fact, I would actually try to refrain from it and the porn for a few days, hell even a week! By refraining from those vices for a bit, you are retraining your mind to cum only during sex and not by masturbation and porn. It can also help more in dealing with sensitivity.

    2. Do you ever feel nervous before doing the deed? Delayed ejaculation can be caused by performance anxiety, which was a huge problem for me. I was always worried about how my girl would feel during sex and if she was enjoying it. So much so that I was taking away all of my focus on my own pleasure! I know it's easier said than done but if you are anxious, relax!

    3. Since you use condoms, did you ever try putting a little bit of lube in the condom before putting it on? Not only can it help in decreasing chances of breakage and slippage, but it can also help in making things a little bit more comfortable during sex.

    4. Are you also wearing condoms that are properly fitted for your penis? For the longest time, I was wearing condoms that were WAY too snug for me, which took more of my pleasure away.

    There are just some ideas that I can think of off the top of my head! Good luck, OP! You aren't the only one!

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  4. Holy crap, I thought I was the only one....

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  5. This is a general observation and likely does not apply to all of you who have delayed ejaculation. Performance anxiety is real. There is also a greater emotional disconnect between partners because we jump into bed sooner than generations before us. The feeling of safety and ability to relax during sex can be impacted.

    Most of you (presuming you're 30 and under) have had most of your formative sexual experiences from watching porn (videos specifically). DE and impotence are increasing in this demographic due to over exposure and reliance on porn to get off.

    Some interesting links.

    http://www.cbc.ca/player/Radio/Ideas/ID/2413285538/

    http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/

    http://www.cbc.ca/m/news/canada/manitoba/topstories/former-porn-addict-helps-others-reboot-their-lives-1.2824341

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    Replies
    1. "There is also a greater emotional disconnect between partners because we jump into bed sooner than generations before us."

      Uhh pretty sure young people have been having sex forever, we just don't hide it.

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    2. Actually, if we're talking about Western society, this generation is absolutely more promiscuous. I'm not making a judgement on right or wrong, but it while it's true that young people have been having sex forever, the number of partners has increased, on average, and the time between meeting a partner and having sex with a partner has greatly decreased. This has been described collectively as hookup culture, in really broad terms, although that phrase itself is contentious.

      Also, OP, quitting the porn is probably good advice. Above links are useful.

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    3. @5b, I dunno, dude, I think you need to put up a source. If we're going purely anecdotally, I have a higher "kill count" than most of the people in my circle of friends, but (judging from what I can piece together) my mother, grandmother, and grandfather all had even higher ones by the time they were my age. My grandparents (who divorced long before I was born), never *stopped* having casual sex with new people, either, though it's gotten a lot more difficult for my grandpa since he's now an old man who lives in my parents' basement.

      I know we'd all prefer not considering that our parents and grandparents are sexual creatures, but there was this thing called the 1960s that really shook things up...

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    4. 5c, I don't have a ready source to confirm this information, but I can tell you that many studies do back it up. As far as your family situation, I think it's important not to take one example as representative of a whole. Also, I think that my original post was not entirely clear, and this is my fault. I think that the activity level of your grandparents is representative of loosening cultural restrictions around sex. This is maybe less a generational phenomenon and more a temporal or historical one. Although I think your point is a little self-defeating as it begins with the statement "If we're going purely anecdotally..." (and yes, I realize my statement is unsupported in this thread as well, but still). It is not to deny that parents or grandparents are sexual creatures though, it's simply that the terms of sexual engagement have changed in past decades.

      As far as a historical comparison of sexual attitudes, the fifty or so years since 1960 is fairly recent and should probably be considered a departure from past periods.

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  6. Seriously consider giving up porn and spanking it for a while, a week at minimum.

    This is something that is very common for guys our age because internet porn was with us all the way through those hormonal teenage years.

    Plus using a product like "Man 1 Man Oil" will help if you have desensitized yourself from doing things dry.

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  7. sticking it into yr gf must quite a change from all that gay porn amirite

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  8. You have deathgrip. Don't squeeze hard when you masturbate, just gently rub without much pressure

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  9. OP here, I don't need to see a doctor because it's not a medical problem. This isn't affecting my health, nor does it prevent me from actually ejaculating. Anxiety may be an issue, but I can still maintain my hard. Emotionally I'm fine, I'm in the early stages of a relationship so I can't expect emotions to be that intense.

    @2 Why did this ruin sex for you. If anything doesn't a guy that can last long and keep their hard benefit you? I thought it was because of this that all partners were able to have orgasms through vaginal sex.

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    1. No, because I don't want to be plowed for an hour.

      (I'm not 2.)

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    2. Let me tell you a dirty, little secret: a great number of women aren't able to achieve an orgasm through vaginal intercourse. They need more, such as stimulation of the clitoris among other things.

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    3. I'm not 2, but I have to say having sex for an hour straight is painful and boring (doesn't matter how good he is).

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    4. Having standard PIV sex for an hour or more is about as exciting for most women as it is for most men.

      If you haven't done it, it's like binge watching a really long TV series. It *might* turn out great. But it's *usually* going to get stale and boring and your mind is going to wander off and you're wondering when the climax is going to happen so that some more interesting stuff starts to develop.

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    5. Or people could stop making sex all about the end goal (ejaculation) and more about the experience and sensations felt. Penis and vagina intercourse if isn't all that stimulating for females. Sex is about the journey, not the destination.

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    6. 9e - maybe women can just enjoy the journey, but as a guy, if we don't get off we get blueballs which is like a longer-term, milder version of getting kicked in the nuts. It's kinda like having an awful stomach ache for your balls for a couple of hours. Ejaculation is very important for that reason alone.

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  10. I had this issue but slightly less serious and it was 100% mental. I'd be disconnected during sex because I'd be thinking about pleasing her and staying in control. I was always worse with a new partner then relaxed a bit after a while. Just try to relax and don't worry about pleasing anyone but yourself. Eventually you'll find a balance.

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  11. This happened to me and my bf when we just started having sex. I'm his first partner and he used to masturbate very often and hard. He couldn't cum any other way but handjobs (even could cum when I used my hand but could not inside of me). He stopped masturbating at first and later masturbated much less frequent when we didn't meet often. Eventually he came inside about a month after we started, and then he could manage to cum every time. Just stop masturbating hard and don't be so nervous during sex :) good luck!

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  12. No porn or wanking, only think of your woman. Believe it or not, sex is a physical activity that requires mental focus, stamina, control. It takes time to become good at it. You are used to getting yourself off. You will have to learn to get her off, then yourself off, then both of you off. No jerking off, no porn, lots of foreplay, build trust, go slow, then bam.

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