OMG UPDATE: Question? Answer.

Updated on Tuesday, May 20

#6519

QUESTION: I've been here for almost 3 years and find myself growing more miserable with each term. I just wish I knew how to make friends. I was homeschooled and moved around a lot as a kid, and I thought coming to UW would bring an end to the friendless-ness that has plagued me most of my life. I was so wrong. Since coming here, I have made 0 friends in my program. There was one guy who used to be nice to me, and sometimes we would study together, but eventually all he ever did was pressure me to have sex with him, which I didn't want to do. When I told him no, he was really mad and said I was a "dumb bitch" and said that this is why nobody likes me. After that, I gave in, and it was the worst experience of my life. I'm in a male dominated program, and guys only talked to me in first year by asking if I wanted to go to parties, which I was too shy to go to. Meanwhile, girls in my program don't even acknowledge me. In general, people just seem to want to sit nowhere near me, and have no association with me. I'm just so sick of feeling so inferior to everyone because I have no friends. Despite my coworkers who say that I'm nice and pretty, I have zero positivity in my life, and I feel like I'm starting to hate myself as much as everyone else does. I'm just jealous of everyone who gets to sit beside friends in class, or is able to at least study with their classmates without feeling obligated to have sex with them. So, to all you people with at least one friend out there - please don't take them for granted. If anyone has any tips or real advice for making friends, I would truly appreciate it. I feel that this will be my last semester before I give up on this for good.

24 comments

  1. Sounds like you're in STEM. Join one of the "women in X" groups: WiE, WISE, WiCS, WiM...

    I had similar problems. It seems to come with the territory. The key is to not settle for friends because you're desperate: this leads to toxic situations. You have to surround yourself with positive people from the get go, so you don't feel like your time in a negative environment had too much cost to leave.

    Being social, especially as an extrovert, makes a huge difference in your life. You need to get over your social anxiety and prioritize getting closer to people! Trust me, if you're in this situation, you have nothing to lose, so just go for it.

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  2. Guy here. I can offer an interesting conversation over coffee, if you'd like to get to know me, and perhaps, make a friend.

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  3. I am guy but am also living the no friends life. Eh, I've gotten used it. The idea of having friends at school seems weird to me now.

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  4. Come visit us at the Women's Centre. We're located in the SLC behind the bomber (just take the stairs next to bomber up). We're all very friendly and a safe space (no "obligated to have sex" here ;P). If you feel shy you don't have to talk, you're more then welcome to just come do some homework or read one of the books from our library and go from there. We even have a housewarming party this Thursday with free food!

    Hope to see you Thursday!

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    1. ^ no offense, but it's not cute to say "no sex required ;P" to someone who's been sexually coerced and came forward about it. I know you guys are militant sex positivists but this is not helpful for women who don't view sex as a positive thing, because we've been taken advantage of or abused for sex reasons.

      Please don't say things like that when you're trying to be welcoming to people that just described a lot of trauma in their lives. I don't see why mentioning sex at all is relevant.

      - someone like OP who felt alienated just reading this.

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    2. come on get a grip 4a, I'm so tired of things like this and "trigger warnings". I consider myself a feminist but PC has gone to far!

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    3. ^ This has nothing to do with political correctness. If you're trying to be welcoming to people that have experienced sexual trauma, you shouldn't joke about it because they're unlikely to find it funny.

      Your response clearly indicates you haven't experienced this kind of situation and you don't have empathy for victims of it. I'm about as sick of "I'm a feminist but" as I am of "I'm not a feminist but"...

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    4. ^ I kind of agree. That's like saying "no torture here" with a smile to a victim of systematic torture...

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    5. 4 here. I'm sorry if I alienated or offended anyone. I did actually spend time debating whether or not to put that line in, and as you've pointed out, I made the wrong decision. I hope OP/4a/4c/4d will accept my apology and not let it cast a bad light on the Women's Centre. I really do believe that we can provide her a place of support and friendship.

      Also not that it's anyone's business but I have undergone sexual trauma so thanks for your assumptions. I happen to deal with my issues with a strong dose of dark humor which I realize is not everyone's cup of tea and I made a mistake in using it without knowing OP/4a.

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  5. That sounds awful! My parents also didn't know the importance of socializing their kids, but luckily they also didn't mind the public school system so I got a chance to catch up by the time I came here. Still had a ways to go and I only feel like I've come into my own in the last few years. The point is, it takes time and practice to "fit in" which some people have had and others haven't. You need to make an effort and push yourself within the limits of what you're comfortable with.

    Before anyone says "why do you want to fit in", she clearly does, if on her own terms.

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  6. I definitely know what you're going through with people in your classes, I've been there too. I think the biggest thing that helped me to meet cool people was volunteering with different things on campus - particularly outside of my faculty. You don't have to be super outgoing in most cases either, just sign up for like setup or whatever you feel comfortable doing. There are current postings on leads.uwaterloo.ca for a few things. Also don't give up!

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  7. well, i feel obligated to have sex with all the girls regardless of whether they know me or not

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  8. I feel your pain. I have been friendless for so long too, but I never had to go through that. I am a guy, and I won't offer to be your friend because I don't know fucking how, but I really wish you find some people who you can truly help enrich your life. I'm sorry about what that guy did. As someone who can somewhat empathize, I wish you can grow from this experience and find some semblance of experience and wisdom in what you have been through. Peace.

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  9. Don't worry OP. 90% of the kids (especially the white kids) at this university are conceited, self-absorbed douchebags. Honestly, almost all of my friends are international students and I'm white. TRY to meet some nice people....you can tell nice people from their faces. If they're cold, distant and conceited, like most of this university, who gives a fuck.....don't change who you are for others. Find some nice people and you'll be fine. Try clubs (maybe cultural or volunteering if you're looking for nice people....might I suggest UW English Tutors), saying hi to people in class, chatting up with people in class, and smiling and emanating a warm attitude. Good luck :)

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    1. tl;dr i'm a racist, pretentious fuckstick

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    2. i met some people a few terms ago who were just interested for the homework help and stuff they could get from me and you know what? they had the friendliest looks and shit but once they're done with you, they don't even know you anymore

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    3. 9b is right. That's actually been my experience with a lot of ppl too. Bottom line is that it's really fucking hard to make friends in university. "Friends" are easy enough to find though.

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  10. Calm yo tits kiddo. Friends are overrated. Money and power is where it's at

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  11. I'm so sorry that you've had such an experience like this at Waterloo! I'm a girl, also in third year. I'm not on campus this term, but if you're around next term and ever want to grab food or something or just talk, comment back and I can shoot you an email and we can definitely meet up (: I would love to meet you!

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  12. Hey there. You may want to get out and join some clubs and meet people that way. Or you may want to go see a counselor, i have known people who have done that and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Just know you're not alone in this situation!

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  13. Hi OP. I understand (to a degree) what you are talking about. One way that I found making friends easier is going to church (not sure if you are into that and I definitely do not want to force religion on you). If you have thought about it, there are definitely some good churches in the area that I could recommend!

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  14. I think it would help you to expand your comfort zone a little OP.

    You say you want to make friends but are too shy to go out. Yeah it's hard to put yourself out there, but you can't meet people if you sit at home. Maybe start easy and find people of similar interests in like a club. But really try to be more open minded and have a "yes" attitude. Next time you get invited somewhere take it, but do try to put yourself out there through some kind of hobby/sport

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  15. I think it would help you to expand your comfort zone a little OP.

    You say you want to make friends but are too shy to go out. Yeah it's hard to put yourself out there, but you can't meet people if you sit at home. Maybe start easy and find people of similar interests in like a club. But really try to be more open minded and have a "yes" attitude. Next time you get invited somewhere take it, but do try to put yourself out there through some kind of hobby/sport

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