OMG UPDATE: Question? Answer.

Updated on Friday, April 25

#6381

QUESTION: To those who are second generation Canadians like me, how would you approach coming out to your parents? My family never talks about this topic at all. I'm Asian and female btw.

9 comments

  1. Start by talking broadly about the issue of sexual orientation - that people can have different mating orientations, gender identities, sexual preferences, and so on. You can allude to some credible research about how some of these differences come about (e.g., biological causes) and why it is important to be tolerant and accepting of different orientations. Within this dialogue, you can talk about what people of your sexual orientation are like (i.e., what gender(s) they are attracted to, how they feel about the same vs. different gender, etc.) and any myths about them that should be discredited. After that, you can say how you have feelings of attraction that are aligned with the sexual orientation you described. Say what you feel about both genders and how or when you started to come about with those feelings. Then say that you hope that they can understand and accept you for who you are, and that you will love them no matter what. Also say that this is a difficult topic for you to discuss, but you are willing to be candid and respectful about it with them and you hope they can do the same.

    You may encounter resistance or despair, but don't give up. Set yourself up with a network of friends and/or professionals to talk to before and after your discussion. If anything, you have this internet stranger's full love and support.

    Good luck and best wishes,

    - straight single second-gen Asian male

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  2. Be like my brother and dont. I had to find out through facebook.

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  3. I grew up in very racist family, and I'm currently in a mixed race relationship. While it's not the same issue, I had to be very delicate when bringing the issue up to my parents - my mother in particular. My mother is against just about every race/religion/orientation that isn't hers, and hyperbolizes every negative stereotype about different types of people. Luckily, I never inherited her beliefs.

    Anyways, I kept my relationship secret from her for months, and in the meantime I would gently bring up the topic of other races, which I'm sure you could do with sexual orientation. I just try to comment of certain issues that are relevant at the time, any form of media (movies, tv shows, news articles, etc.) and try to vocalize my opinion. Like when I was at a mall with her, I noticed an interracial couple and said something about how society has come a long way with accepting others and how nice I think it is. Maybe even when big events such as the Pride Parade are happening you could bring up the topic, and try to fish for your parents' opinion on the lgbt community - then give yours and try to emphasize the positives about it while clarifying any negative assumptions they may have. Even though this isn't directly coming out, it will allow them to think about the issue in a more positive light and could even open the door for future conversations about the topic.

    However, my mom has known about my relationship for about 8 months now and she still makes a lot of very distasteful comments, and refers to him as some sort of subhuman which is extremely offensive and embarrassing. I just try to remind myself that she grew up very isolated from different cultures and was really only ever exposed to many people through the stereotypes that exist around them. Meanwhile, I try to prevent my bf (and especially his parents) from finding out the full extent of my mother's prejudice. Though he knows a bit of it, I know it still upsets him and its stressful to constantly try and keep both myself and my parents happy since we have such different perspectives about the topic.

    I agree with 1 that you should work on building up a strong support system of friends or professionals because you never know how they might react. I definitely lost a lot of my mother's respect and feel like a bit of a black sheep. But I still have hope that she might not be so close-minded one day. Anyways, please be sensitive with the issue around your parents if you want to maintain a good relationship with them. If you have any siblings who you're close with, maybe try talking things out with them first, since they're probably the only ones who know your parents as well as you do. Also, this entirely depends on your parents, be sure to gage just how accepting/judgemental/harsh they may be.

    Stay strong and best of luck to you! Things like these take time to fully understand and adapt to - especially for people who aren't so familiar with it or who may not have any first-hand knowledge about.

    - European female (family moved her from Moldova when I was 4)

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    Replies
    1. You know he'd fuck any white girl. You just happen to be the one he found. Keep telling yourself "he really loves me " bullshit.

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    2. I won't mention Pride Parade with parents, especially if they are conservative and may have issues with nudity and/or the way people presented themselves there.

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  4. You don't have to honestly. Just like I don't tell my uber Muslim parents I'm agnostic. Make sure your financially stable before you come out to them, they might disown you. GL and remember everyone has secrets.

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    1. LOL. That's a big secret.

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  5. haha goodluck OP. good luck my friend. good luck

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  6. I'm white & don't know what to tell you as I'm not out as a lesbian to my parents yet, either. I was raised catholic and my mom was a little weird about my sister living with her bf before marriage, so I'm a bit apprehensive about how it will go. Do you feel the need to tell them for deeper personal reasons, or just because of a sense of obligation? Some people are close to their family and want to be accepted for who they are. Don't get me wrong... I have love for my parents. But we're not "close", we don't talk about dating, we don't talk about feelings, gay marriage or other charged political issues NEVER come up. I feel this pressing obligation to 'come out' because that's part of the script we're given and is the focal point in basically every single LGBTQ movie ever. But the only benefit to me would be that I could stop lying by omission to them, as keeping the lie going is sometimes stressful.

    Anyway, I wish I had advice for you. I'll have to come out eventually, like when I want to get married. But I'm waiting until I am totally financially independent. Hopefully, that level of caution won't be necessary, but I really just have no idea what their opinions are. It would help if you could somehow discern their opinions on gay people in general, but even then, it doesn't always apply when it's their own daughter coming out.

    Good luck OP.

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