OMG UPDATE: Question? Answer.

Updated on Wednesday, March 19

#7053

QUESTION: When we first started dating, my bf and I had sex at least once a week, sometimes more. He was always super into it. We've been dating for 2 years now and probably for the last year although he says he loves me and we do all the same other stuff we used to, he pretty much never wants to have sex anymore or even talk about sexual stuff. We've done it maybe twice in 5 months and only because I pretty much begged for him to. His usual excuses now are 'his room's not clean' or 'is that all you think about?'. What do I do?

23 comments

  1. This has happened to me. Either: He is going through an emotional disturbance (stress, questioning sexuality, etc. ) or he is distanced emotionally from the relationship despite acting along in every other way.
    I suppose it could be something else. You should have an open and honest conversation. If you have been together for 2 years both you and he should be comfortable with this?

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  2. If youre unhappy and he is not willing to change or figure out if there is a physiological issue, ask for an open relationship. If he refuses, it might be time to break up. Especially since he is trying to make you feel guilty for asking, when communication about this is so important. Once a week doesn't even sound like too much-if your sex drives are that different you should reevaluate the kind of commitment you want to this person. unless sex is not important to you.

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  3. I've been dating this girl for a year now. We have sex at least 2-3 times a day still

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  4. Oh my god can I please have your boyfriend I'll mail you all the ones in Silicon Valley

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    1. It's unfortunate to see the amount of people who don't enjoy sex even in relationships

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    2. Why is it unfortunate that people don't enjoy the things you enjoy? That's preference.

      Sex makes me feel stupid. Sex saps my motivation to get anything done. And sex requires a big tradeoff of time I could use for my hobbies or socializing or something else. I can't comprehend why people are so obsessed with it. Yes! I've had good sex! Yes! I can orgasm! It's still. Not. That. Amazing.

      Why have an SO when they just pressure you into shit you don't want to do day after day? I'd much rather have as little sex as I like with people who don't guilt trip me into it. To all these people who keep telling me I need to put out multiple times a week to keep my relationship "healthy", why don't you just go deal with your urges, have your damn orgy, and get back to me when your sex hormones die down in about 10 years.

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    3. First two paragraphs made me blurt out "closed-minded" and "bullshit". If sex makes you feel "stupid" in the way you describe it, you're probably saturated with false sense of self-esteem and got touched when you were little. You clearly have an issue and you're stating your reality as THE reality. Stop that

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  5. Ask him what the hell is wrong. Be honest. I would too if my gf acted like that. Honesty prevails.

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  6. My boyfriend and I still have sex at least once a day and we've been together over two years. He might be dissatisfied in other areas of the relationship and displaying it through lack of intimacy. If he's happy everywhere else try spicing things up a little bit. There's nothing my boyfriend loves more than when I show up with new lingerie or a new toy.

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    1. Don't spice it up unless he tells you he's bored. If he just doesn't have the drive then putting him in a situation where he feels even more forced into it would just piss him off.

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    2. thank you 6a

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  7. maybe he has someone else

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  8. for sure cheating on you get the upper hand and dump him first

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  9. If he's saying "is that all you think about" when you express your desire to have sex then he doesn't deserve to sleep with you - that comment is disrespectful and hurtful. He's belittling your desires rather than discussing the issue. I'm sure if the roles were reversed and you decided to suddenly stop having sex with him he would wonder what the problem was and be upset about it too. If he won't talk about it or make an effort to sort this issue out then it sounds like you deserve better than him.

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  10. maybe hes gay LOL

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  11. Maybe you got fat?

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  12. Guy here. I'm thinking either depression or he is slowly starting to distance himself from the relationship emotionally.

    I'm personally thinking the latter, unfortunately. Just have an open and honest conversation with him on the lack of intimacy and tell him that it is making you concerned.

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  13. (Writing this assuming he isn't just depressed. Use your judgment on that count OP. Has his other behaviour and/or life circumstances changed?)

    Some people just don't care about sex that much. They keep it up at first because things are exciting and maybe because it's a tool to woo you. It's not consciously manipulative, but once they relax and are comfortable in the relationship, feel no pressure to woo you, and the newness excitement is gone, their true sex drive is revealed.

    If he doesn't see a problem with your infrequent sex, then nothing will ever change. That's the kicker... in order for someone to change ANYthing about their behaviour, they have to see and understand that it's something worth changing, that they actually WANT to change. He sees his sex drive as totally fine and yours as demanding. You see yours as totally fine and his as sorely lacking. Throwing away any idea of what's normal in a relationship, it doesn't matter who's right, the bottom line is that this is a major incompatibility that is making you severely unhappy in the relationship.

    Your options are:
    (1) He truly understands and agrees that his behaviour needs to change [seems unlikely, but I have no idea how maturely you've been talking to him about this, if you've just been starting fights and making him defensive then there might be hope if you take a more calm, less accusational approach]

    (2) He lets you fool around with others to satisfy your needs. Only works if that would actually satisfy you. Personally, I'd rather go with...

    (3) Leave him because you can't be happy in a relationship that isn't sexually satisfying at least to a base level.

    If you can handle 2 and he can agree with it then try it out. But I know that for me, personally, I'd find sex with random people to be empty/unpleasurable, OR I'd just end up emotionally bonding with somebody else. So I'd personally do #3 in your situation - that is, AFTER talking with him and attempting to reach some sort of understanding about the issue.

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  14. Gay. Or u r fat.

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  15. Same thing happened to me. I severely reduced our frequency of sex because I felt so emotionally distant and my own sexuality was the last thing I had control over. Sorta like the cliche for eating disorders.

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  16. Come over to my place ;)

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