OMG UPDATE: Question? Answer.

Updated on Friday, February 14

#5921

QUESTION: I have a question for all of you. If you're in a committed relationship, is it bad to feel very faint sparks with someone else? In no way do I have feelings for this person. I just feel happy to see them and happy when they smile/acknowledge me. I love my SO with all my heart, but I'm unsure why this happens to me with this other person.

14 comments

  1. This is going to happen. Even more unfortunate, it'll happen to your SO too. Its human nature and you need to accept it if you want to keep a relationship longer than the honey-moon phase. You're all good OP, just don't act on it and if your SO is a jealous bloodhound then try and avoid having the two people meet in your presence.

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  2. Like what @1 said. It is totally natural to get little "crushes" on other people. As long as you love your SO, and have no plans on leaving them or acting on these crushes in any way they are harmless.

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  3. It's totally normal. My boyfriend and I joke about who we think is hot. At the end of the day, we talk about it but never act on it. that's the important thing.

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    1. Joking about who's hot and having a spark with someone else is completely different

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  4. Do you picture yourself with the other person? If so then you have a problem, if not then its totally normal.

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  5. It is completely normal part of being human. Your choice how to deal with outside attraction; you can be open about it or pretend it is not happening. Jealousy only happens when you feel threatened so if you don't feel threatened then there's nothing wrong with doing whatever works for your relationship.

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  6. Totally normal. I had a huge crush on one my close friends for a while. But it was because I worked with him so we spent a lot of time together. I started feeling a bit guilty about it, even though my boyfriend knew we were good friends and was fine with it. To stop the crush side, I pointed out to myself all the thing that would drive me nuts if I were dating my friend. The crush ended pretty quickly after that. And we are still great friends and I am still with my boyfriend! Win-win!

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    1. Woah woah. I'm happy that worked out for you, but if my boyfriend had a "huge crush" on a girl to a point he had to convince himself the things that would drive him nuts about her, I wouldn't be very comfortable with that.

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    2. Ah, the Christian philosophy. Don't just punish them for their actions... thoughts are on-side too! Who gives a shit who your SO is crushing on so long as they don't do anything. Sexual interest is irrational and pretty strong feeling.




      inb4 "I'm not religious"; christian philosophy has nothing to do with religion, it's a tenet of western thought and values.

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    3. (I am 6) LOL 6a, do you think I have never seen my SO have a crush? It happens. It is innocent attraction. I am fine with it. We are confident enough in our relationship to accept that crushes happen. We talk about it. Reminding myself why I WOULDN'T want to date my friend simply helped stop the crush. I never ever once actually considered trying to get with him.
      I have confidence in my relationship with my SO. I trust him. We don't let unfounded jealousy get in the way of our connection.

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  7. Everyone who says this is a normal human thing is just denying responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings, as though we have no control over them, to justify betrayal.

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    1. But it IS a part of being human. You have very little control over what goes on in your head.

      What IS your responsibility is honouring whatever agreement you have with your partner(s), because you DO have control over your decisions.

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    2. Uhh... but you DON'T have control over your thoughts and feelings. You only have control over your actions.
      Don't pretend that you've never thought of some fucked up shit before that you can't control like violently attacking someone who's annoying you. Everyone has thoughts that they'd rather not be thinking. You can't be judged on what you think unless you act on it. OP is simply considering whether they would be happier with someone else, not doing anything about it. You can't just tell someone "okay, we're together forever now so you're not allowed to ever consider leaving me". That's fucking stupid and conceited. Sometimes relationships don't last forever. Sometimes you really would be better off with someone else. There's no reason to take it as "betrayal" when someone realizes that you're not what makes them happy anymore.

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  8. There was just a TED talk on this (not sure if mods are ok with links?)
    http://www.ted.com/talks/christopher_ryan_are_we_designed_to_be_sexual_omnivores.html
    "[...] in hopes that a more nuanced understanding may put an end to discrimination, shame and the kind of unrealistic expectations that kill relationships."

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