OMG UPDATE: Question? Answer.

Updated on Friday, January 24

#5815

QUESTION: I have really low self esteem. It's affecting me big time and I want to get over it already... Suggestions?

21 comments

  1. Working out really helped me deal with shitty self-esteem. Maybe try that out?

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  2. GET OVER YOURSELF!! - If that was offensive to you, then take the advice.. It helps, trust me.

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    1. You clearly have never had low self esteem, so stick to discussions where your opinion is relevant please.
      Low self esteem and social anxiety are not problems that their sufferers are unaware of. You're not helping anybody by telling them that they should get over it. THEY KNOW. OP knows. They asked HOW to get over it.
      If it is still befuddling to you why anyone would continue to "choose to have low self esteem" when they know that high self esteem would be more beneficial, consider the example of eating healthy foods. Most people who eat unhealthily are not unaware of what the right choices are. They are simply not making them. There's a habit that's formed in their brain causing them to favour their current lifestyle over change because they've been living that way for so long.
      The road to healthy self esteem is a long one because it involves constantly and consciously tearing down those habits, which takes just as long as forming them did. While you may feel that 'get over yourself' is a one stop fix-all, it's really just pointing out to OP what they already know and are having trouble doing. You're restating the problem and mocking it, not fixing it.

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    2. @ 2a - I hate it when people say that, like oh why don't you just choose to not have low self esteem? or just choose not to be depressed? It shows how little people without mental illnesses understand about how they work. Getting over it isn't something that you can just snap your fingers and do as if you're gonna have some big epiphany and be like oh wow, now i understand all of the negative feedback loops in my head! Cured! It's a learning process about yourself. You have to learn why you think the way you do and how to reroute it. That would be like saying to someone that doesn't know calculus "why don't you just choose to know calculus?"
      You don't know it, you learn it and learning takes time.

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  3. are you a girl? lemme fuck you to boost your confidence

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    1. Low self-esteem, not low standards. Subtle difference.

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  4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDpyS2HN5SA

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    1. This was funny... and more importantly, very true! Most believe believe they must go through a process to make themselves feel better.. it's not a process! Either you literally stop blaming past circumstances on your current problems, or you continue.. Trying to 'fix' anything is just making one problem more complicated - like covering up one illusion with another illusion; sorry but you can't trick you mind like that. I don't mean for this to sound rude or offensive to anyone, because I've come to understand that I just needed to get over myself, and stop blaming circumstances on my happiness. Stop trying to change everything, including yourself, and you'll find reality that you didn't know existed.

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    2. I think that you need to go through a process if you've had low self esteem for a long time because it's become a habit, and otherwise, even if you manage to get it in check, you will develop low self esteem again if the underlying issues are not deal with. For example, if someone has low self esteem because they assess their own value based on others' perception of them then it would be perfectly possible for them to raise their self esteem by only hanging around people who are nice to them, but you can't hide from mean people forever. As soon as you meet someone who doesn't like you, your self esteem would drop again and you have not fixed the problem.
      And don't demonize people for trying to fix the problem. What you have suggested is also just that. You say that you have "come to understand that I just needed to get over myself and stop blaming circumstances on my happiness" and that was the way that you 'fixed' your self esteem. A short process, maybe, but you still identified your problem, identified the root causes and attempted to stop. That is trying to fix it, and there's nothing wrong with that. The problem won't get solved unless you do SOMETHING different, so 'fixing' is a necessary step in solving all problems.

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  5. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxGRhd_iWuE

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  6. Connect yourself with friends that value and accept you.

    Keep yourself busy with things you enjoy doing, and maybe even try some new things.

    Chances are you'll start feeling better by knowing you are making the most out of your life despite not feeling the greatest initially.
    Good luck OP!

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  7. These tumblr blogs post some quotes and videos that really helped me through my low self-esteem.

    http://internal-acceptance-movement.tumblr.com/
    http://stophatingyourbody.tumblr.com/
    http://theloveyourselfchallenge.tumblr.com/

    My number one tip is to try to stop taking people's reception and reaction to you personally. I always thought if someone reacted negatively to me it was because something was wrong with me. I finally realized that they could have a whole lot of issues they were dealing with at that particular time, and a reaction may not have been aimed at me specifically, but a result of a tough day or a busy week. Also, I learned that what everyone thinks or says about me isn't necessarily true. If someone called me 'selfish' or 'snobby,' I immediately thought I was unconsciously being these things and it really hurt me. Stop taking everything other people say about you as truth: consider it, perhaps, but know that someone's perception of you might not be the right one!

    You'll also be in my prayers, OP, no joke!

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  8. Okay, here is something that will actually help you. Trust me.

    Go to Needles Hall. Go to Counselling Services.

    Tell them you are struggling with self-esteem and would like to see a counselor.

    Counselling is free for students and is really helpful. If the counselor they set you up with isn't a good fit, you can just ask to try an appointment with someone else. It is important to find someone you click with.

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  9. Some actual advice for OP:
    1. Identify what your 'triggers' are. What makes you feel bad about yourself? Are there some things that affect you worse than others?

    2. Take each one individually and break down why it doesn't matter. Do you feel bad about yourself when you mess things up? Well everybody makes mistakes, they provide you with 20x more experience than doing it right the first time would, and most of the time the people who do it perfect the first time are just the ones that practiced alone for hours beforehand to save their pride from public failure. Do you feel bad about yourself when you look in the mirror? Recognize that appearances don't matter! Beauty doesn't indicate worth. At all. People try to put so much emphasis on what your skin, hair and facial features look like just because we can see them on the outside, but do they really carry more value than the appearance of the other parts of your body? For all you know, you could have the world's most beautiful spleen, or the most visually pleasing pancreas. Neither of those tell you anything about your worth, so why should your external organs?

    3. Consider yourself as a clean slate. That embarrassing thing that you did in middle school that makes you cringe every time you remember it? Let it go. You're probably the only one who remembers anyway. It's good to learn from your mistakes, but you don't need to constantly make yourself pay for them. You can't change the past, and that's just a fact of life, so put it behind you and commit yourself to being the best person that you can be today.

    4. Do this frequently. If you've had low self esteem for a long time then it's going to take more than one day to turn it around. The negative thoughts will find their way back, but it's important not only that you address them but that you break them down. When you feel inadequate, ask yourself why, then ask yourself if it truly matters.

    That's the advice that I have for seeing the value that you already have, that you possess innately from being a human being with miraculous physical and mental capabilities. And remember that the relative physical and mental capabilities of others cannot change this value. You are worthy and you always will be.

    Another thing that a lot of people find helpful for self esteem problems is developing a hobby, namely exercising. You don't have to tell anyone, you don't have to be good even. Just getting out there and increasing your skill set will do wonders for your confidence.

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    1. This's good advice. Not the Op, but I find this helpful for myself.

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  10. There are going to be people who will say this is horrible advice, but it worked for me. I really just ignored the fact that I had low self esteem and pretended I had high self esteem. It didn't do much at first, but over time you start to actually have higher self esteem. I can go up to any girl now and ask to buy a drink when before I couldn't even say hi. I found that a couple drinks helped at the start, but this can be a bad idea. I do find myself over confident sometimes now and I don't realize until things start going wrong.

    TL:DR
    Pretend like you actually have high self esteem and it will eventually become true.

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    1. There is a rly good TED talks very similar to this. One major message was fake it till u become it.

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  11. I found this pretty helpful http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html

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  12. fake it till u make it

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  13. This may sound weird... but I stopped going on Facebook, Twitter, Insta, etc and made my own anon Twitter and posted whatever I liked on it. With my "public" accounts I was self-editing like hell trying to appear to be funny, humble, clever, etc when I really just wanted to put up things I liked without having to worry about how I was coming across.

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