OMG UPDATE: Question? Answer.

Updated on Wednesday, January 15

#5750

QUESTION: I have the most amazing boyfriend and I have never doubted that but I was unfaithful to him once, I took responsibility, was honest and ready to take the hit but he forgave me. It was a one-time mistake and I was blinded by the alcohol and the setting.. Or so I thought.. Now I've done it again.. Twice .. And I have nothing to blame it on except how horrible of a person I am.. I don't know why I did what I did, I can't explain the sickness behind it and I don't know how to never do it again. I'm too selfish to confront him this time because I don't want to lose him or hurt him but I can't look him in the eye without hating myself ... I know I deserve the emotional turmoil and I did confined in a friend who said "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" but is that really the solution? I can't keep a lie and I can't even break up with him without a fair reason or telling him the truth...

Without reminding me how horrible or what a major screw-up I am, what the hell do I do?

71 comments

  1. kill you are self

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    1. Oh yeah because that's the ONLY solution.

      Heartless bigot.

      P.S. Learn to spell.

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  2. I think you should tell him.
    From what you described, you're never going to be able to act the same. He's going to notice, and if he finds out himself somehow that's going to be worse.

    If you do tell him, don't expect immediate forgiveness. If I were him I don't think I could forgive you to be honest.

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  3. How do you know it won't happen a third time? and a fourth?

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  4. Break up, now, before you ruin his life more.

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    1. But tell him EXACTLY the reason why, don't string him along, don't let him down easy, don't give him any hope that you guys can work things out, because you obviously can't.

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  5. i think you're attracted to the attention, and the thrill of knowing that even though you are in a relationship you can still get other guys...

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    1. +10000000000000000

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    2. just a reminder OP that this makes you a thirsty slut... don't take this as a compliment

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  6. I would want to know. I was the one this girl was cheating with not too long ago, only I didn't know until after. I felt so bad, and almost told him, but I decided it wasn't my place to do so.

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  7. Just break up with him and do as you do. Nothing wrong with playin the field but don't hurt people in the process.

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  8. You need to tell him. If you hate yourself every time you look at him, your relationship is just not going anywhere good.. Let him make up his own mind. You're essentially playing games with his fate right now and I think that's possibly worse than cheating twice.

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  9. Sounds like your boyfriend needs to brush up on his definitions of "worthless slut" and "girlfriend material." He seems to have confused the two.

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    1. spot on... +1000000
      this guy at least has the right to know that he's dating a worthless slut...

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    2. If a guy posted this he would be called a player, and likely congratulated. But a girl who makes a mistake is a worthless slut?

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    3. um sorry but in my world if a guy posted this id be just as disgusted... why do people think that sleeping around while you're in a relationship is okay ? :S And yes she's a worthless slut if she has a perfectly loyal & trustworthy boyfriend sitting at home & she's out getting drunk and having sex with multiple other men........ in my opinion lmfao

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    4. Only in movies or someone's overly-dramatized life would a guy making this claim be called a player. Cheating is not okay, ever, regardless of gender. There is no argument to be made.

      This girl's a ho.

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    5. a) Please, shut the fuck up. A mistake? It's not a mistake. She cheated on her boyfriend and was fully aware of it while doing it. It's not like she tripped and fell on some guys dick.

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  10. Break up with him, obviously you aren't satisfied with your relationship.

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  11. You don't deserve a guy like him. People like you sicken me because here you think you can get away with cheating and still have a bf to come home to. You can't have your cake and eat it too so if you have an ounce of decency left, you'll have the courage to tell him how you fucked up. I hope he doesn't forgive you because I know I wouldn't.

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    1. How many cats do you have?

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    2. @11a - Seriously?? Because someone is unwilling to forgive a cheater they're automatically single with cats? I'll admit they were a little harsh with their words but I agree with the general sentiment of their post. You're suggesting people should put up with cheaters again and again because it's their only other option when faced with being single. I think I'd rather be single than date someone who cheated on me; definitely if they did it twice.

      Cheating isn't something people should simply tolerate. No one deserves it and it's completely valid for someone not to want to put up with it anymore.

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    3. My thoughts exactly 11. Could have been said a tad bit nicer but I agreed 100%

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    4. not harsh at all in my opinion, only true !

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  12. Well, he clearly made a mistake when he forgave you.

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  13. Don't listen to these assholes girl! Everyone makes mistakes. If you tell him, he's probably going to dump you plus he will be super hurt at the same time.
    DO NOT TELL HIM. Keeping this to yourself is punishment enough for cheating.

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    1. This has got to be one of the most immoral things i've ever heard.... it disgusts me that people actually think this way. The posters are not assholes, they're speaking the truth. & Yes everybody makes mistakes.. but cheating on a significant other is more than that you dumb bitch. She made the same mistake twice, showing she obviously either has no common sense or doesn't give a fuck about the guy's feelings...

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    2. Women usually cheat because they're unsatisfied in bed. Maybe her boyfriend needs to step it up.

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    3. @13b - where the fuck are you getting that from. Irrelevant and false.

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    4. 13, you are definitely going to hell. That is all.

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  14. However you make up your mind is up to you. That being said, picture it the other way around, IF he were to cheat on you, would you want to know?

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  15. Correction: you USED to have the most amazing boyfriend.... because he does not deserve to be with you anymore after you've made this same unforgivable mistake not only once but twice... As a woman who's been in a long-distance relationship for 4 years I would never be able to face my partner again if they did what you did, ESPECIALLY if they lied to me about it and kept it a secret (like you so obviously are)...
    You're correct.. you have nothing to blame this on but YOURSELF and a combination of your shitty choices, selfishness, and craving for attention.
    Put your selfishness aside for one fucking moment & realize what you're putting him through... You have to tell him, there's no other option. It will come out eventually either way. If he knows you well enough, he can tell already. & no your dumbass friend who says "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" is incorrect, thats the most selfish statement i've ever heard and it's obvious they don't care about you as a friend if that's their relationship advice..
    Last but not least, yes you can break up with him, its simple.. you tell him what you did and he will be so disgusted he will likely never want to see you again. Like you said, you deserve the emotional turmoil, because it's not even HALF of what you're going to put him through. You're the true definition of a filthy slut.
    Rant over... & this is why people have trust issues.

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    1. first sentence was supposed to say '... because you don't deserve to be with him anymore' but i think that's quite obvious by the rest of my post

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    2. A-FUCKING-MEN YOU KNOW YOUR SHIT

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    3. @15. +infinity.

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  16. drunk actions are solber thoughts

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  17. I agree with your friend. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. If you tell him that you cheated on him TWICE he will literally feel like shit. He's going to think that it is his fault, he'll become depressed, and never trust another girl again. Trust me, I've been there.
    If you're bored of your relationship then break up with your boyfriend but don't tell him you cheated. If you want to stay with him then keep your mouth shut and stop telling people about your small lapse in judgement.

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    1. wow... this is so wrong on so many levels!! He won't think it's all his fault, he'll notice that he's dating an absolute fucking slut who can't keep from going home with a guy when she's drunk at the club. He deserves to know.. no ifs ands or buts

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  18. sincerely hoping that this girl reads the posts and takes the advice to leave him.. no one deserves to be treated like that.

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  19. Why is the word 'slut' being thrown around so much? She's a cheater and a liar and probably lacks self-control but that sure as hell does not make her a slut.

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    1. sleeping around with more than 1 guy when you have a boyfriend would go under most people's classification as a slut...

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    2. but yes, cheater, liar and DEFINITELY lacks self control. She cannot keep from cheating on her boyfriend when she has alcohol in her system... definitely proving ZERO SELF CONTROL.. or self-worth/respect for that matter

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    3. Umm, actually, yes, it does.

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  20. Wait...did OP sleep with someone else or just kissed someone else?

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  21. Hello everyone, OP here,

    I appreciate the response, I really do, I'm still torn about what to do but I just want people to know that I'm listening to what you're saying and I understand that most of you (even with different points of view) make valid points.

    I don't know if it will happen again .. I never thought it would happen a second time .. And to clarify I wasn't drunk at all the second time, hence the nothing to blame it on. It was however with somebody I already had a history with.

    I do think he made a mistake forgiving me the first time, and I told him that but he wouldn't have it. He says I am better than I think I am (I don't agree) but we've had a perfect relationship for 3 years and it's only this last year that this happened.. Nothing is lacking.. I can't think of anything wrong with our relationship which started freaking me out and reminded me that I never wanted to commit .. It's immature I know.. I don't know if that's the reason I did what I did or not, that's a whole other issue I need to figure out later on my own.

    The reason I'm hesitant of telling him what I did is as 17 said, he did think it was his fault last time. He blamed himself, the other guy, and my friends but not me.. I took responsibility but he disagreed.. Denial? Maybe but I don't want that to happen again.

    Also, I have some but not enough self control, and barely any self-worth but that's also another thing I need to work on, just not sure how
    @20 I did sleep with another person

    I don't know.. I know, morally, I should tell him but if I learn how to swallow this and pretend (to myself) that it never happened, get over it with some time, then much less damage would be done and I'll be the only getting hurt

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    1. can you please stop fooling yourself that lying to your boyfriend of 3 years and keeping a secret from him is the RIGHT CHOICE?! you know its not.. come on... I'm in a long-term relationship of 4 years & you absolutely disgust me... Lying isn't the answer here, it never is. You are NOT ready for a committed relationship and you need to figure out your own problems first before putting someone else through this...
      Tell this guy to go to a psychologist or counselor, they can work with him to realize that it is NOT AT ALL his fault that you are unfaithful and lie to him, it is ALL you. He deserves to be happy in a life that isn't full of lies, and you know it.
      If it doesn't get addressed now, it will haunt you in the future... would you like to be married to this man & run into ONE OF the men you slept with? HAH... omg you just disgust me i cant even go on. TELL YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND FOR GOD'S SAKE. That's the least you can do for the poor fucking soul.

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    2. k... so you saying "I dont know if it will happen again" is more than reason enough to let this guy know that you are extremely unfaithful, uncommitted, and a cheater. Like they say, "once a cheater, always a cheater" if u dont wanna do this again... break up with him and get some help before u find another bf.

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    3. oh stfu 21a. No one cares how long you've been in a relationship for. It doesn't make you any more or less qualified to answer this question. Come down from your high-horse. No one who has been tempted or been in sticky situations would ever talk to another person like you have. Never having to play doesn't make you a champion.

      I'm not saying what the OP did wasn't weak or wrong, I'm just so sick of all these homely boring people pretending that they've achieved the unachievable by being faithful to the one person who they found that can stand them. ugh.

      OP, break up with him. If it was me I would rather not know about the cheating. Tell him you don't feel the same way anymore since you clearly don't. What you're feeling is probably more attachment which at this point in your life it not enough to stay locked down anyway. Take a hard look at yourself before you make any more promises.

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    4. Did anyone else catch the "if I learn to swallow"

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  22. Let him go, and appologize to him for the lifetime of psychological damage you've caused... then LEAVE HIM HE FUCK ALONE. He deserves better than you. He deserves to find happiness with someone who isnt a lying, cheating whore. You obviously can't provide that for him, and if you care about him AT ALL (like you've said) you will let him be happy with someone else.

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  23. I would say, you should break up with him and take time off from dating. Decide what you want. If what you want is casual sex, that's okay - just be clear with people in the future, so that you are on the same page for your expectations. Don't stay/get back with him. Not only is it unfair, but you've already proven that you neither truly love nor respect him.

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    1. I'm not OP, but thank you 23 for a very reasonable reply without the judgment that some of the other replies in this thread seem to have. :)

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  24. It is because of girls like you that so many nice guys put up a giant brick wall to protect their emotions and become assholes. Tell him the truth. You do not deserve him. Give him his space, tell him you chose what you did and it was YOUR doing. If he doesn't break up with him, you need to leave him. And stay the fuck out of his life. Give him some closure and never speak to him. He's going to have deep psychological trust and self-confidence issues that he'll need to seek help for. Take some time to figure out what you want. DO NOT exclusively date anyone or lead them on because you need help. And if your current boyfriend (soon to be ex) sees you exclusively dating someone, it will break him.

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    1. *If he doesn't break up with you

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  25. I honestly don't understand why everyone is saying stuff like "you should break up with him" and such.

    Put yourself in the guy's shoes when he finds out. You're hurt, you really want to talk this out, and now she's trying to actively push away from you? That will just make it hurt more, not less.

    I think that the OP should tell him, and give him the space and room he needs to make a decision. Offer to end the relationship, but don't do it unilaterally. Only he can decide how he wants to respond to it; if she decides to break up with him, then she's denying him that choice. It's avoidance, it's not confronting the problem.

    The other thing the OP should do is introspect, think about what happened and what led up to it. Why did she do that. Does she still have feelings for this other guy? Is she dissatisfied in some way with her current relationship? Or did she just think there wouldn't be much consequence.

    The fact that OP says he blamed himself is concerning, and really indicates to me that this is a situation where the two hsould b ecommunicating more. They need to be albe to agree on whatever comes next, no matter what it is.

    I've been cheated on before, and forgiven for it. It all depends so very strongly on the circumstance that I find it very difficult to generalize, and especially to give advice like "you should break up" or "you should not tell him"

    Not telling him is the worst you could do. By not telling him, you both set up a precedent for yourself that you can get away with cheating and set him up for being far more hurt when he eventually does find out. By not telling him, you go from being a cheat to a lying cheat. Don't do that.

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    1. If the person you're dating cheats on you, you break up with them. There are no "mistakes" allowed. I don't care how much it hurts, you're a fucking pushover if you continue dating said person.

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    2. +infty

      also, "Offer to end the relationship, but don't do it unilaterally." yeah idk why everyone here thinks saying "sorry i cheated on you and now i'm dumping you" is the optimal solution

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    3. (+infty to 25)

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  26. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him" has to be some of the worst advice that can be thought of as a solution for this dilemma. By doing that, it gives you, the cheater, a get out of jail free card. It makes the cheating seem like it is nothing of importance, and it'll make you more likely to do it again.

    Also, by not telling him the truth early on, you are just asking to hurt his feelings even more. By telling lies and holding back facts, you are robbing a man of the truth.

    Honestly OP, I would tell him and have him decide on the fate of your relationship with him. Offer him the choice of a break up but don't think about breaking up, immediately. It is only fair that he makes this decision after making your own.

    I also agree with 23 on taking a break from dating, if you two split up. Maybe you need to sow some wild oats, for a bit. Before entering your relationship with your boyfriend, were you ever afraid of commitment? Did you think that you were getting in a relationship at a young age? I have a friend who has gone through a cheating spell, and I sometimes wonder if she hasn't matured yet or anything like that. While cheating is a disastrous crime, maturing at a later age is not since everyone matures at different rates. If the decision is made, take this a hard learning experience and grow from it. The only way to go from here is up, after all.

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  27. Hey OP I'll fuck you if you want to bump that up to 3 times.

    Satisfaction Guaranteed.

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    1. Me too, although not at the same time as 27, preferably before

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  28. Tell him. Not trying to be harsh, but If he's am amazing boyfriend, he deserves better than you. You can't be faithful to him, then let him find someone who will. It's going to hurt him that you've done this to him twice, but he needs to know.

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  29. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

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  30. Tell him...because this will eat you up inside eventually. Honesty is a basic foundation of any relationship...and if you feel like you have to lie to him when you see him all the time...it will only get worse from here. You admitted a mistake, but now you have to deal with the consequences of making them. If you tell him and he wants to break up with you, you have to respect his decision.

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  31. 1) Realize that you are not ready to be in a committed relationship, because you're really not.
    2) Tell him the truth about what you did, and how you're not mentally prepared to be in a committed relationship
    3) Decide whether or not your problems are due to immaturity, or another cause which may be psychological. Take appropriate steps (for example, go see a therapist)

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  32. Hey OP, you need to tell him. He has every right to know what has happened and he deserves to know. You have had a wonderful relationship for the past three years, but it seems like you are just dragging it a little too long after hooking up with someone for a second time. Not telling him will be a huge regret in the long run. How about if you decide to marry this guy (your boyfriend)? If he ever finds out after begin committed for a lot longer than 3 years, he would be crushed. Even now he would be crushed, but you owe it to him. And man, think about the relief you will feel after telling him and letting it out.
    You gotta tell him. You owe it to him.

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