OMG UPDATE: Question? Answer.

Updated on Monday, December 16

#5575

QUESTION: My girlfriend is jealous of my best friend (girl) and I. I've been friends with my best friend for years. We grew up together and always were close. We dated and it didn't workout. I've been with my girl friend for a little over a year now and I love her but she wants me to stop being friends with my best friend for her. Is that asking for too much? Honestly don't think I could date someone who'd want me to stop being friends with someone let alone my best friend. My girlfriend thinks I'm too emotionally invested in my friendship and I need to get my priorities straight... What's a dude to do?

35 comments

  1. imo she's asking too much. I would try to make her see that your friendship is platonic and means a lot to you, and if she insists on giving you an ultimatum then dump her ass. A girl who tries to tell you who you should and shouldn't be friends with is all about herself, and not the kind of girl I'd want to be with.

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  2. It was fine until you said "we dated." Free will, should trust you, yada yada...it would still make me uncomfortable if my boyfriend was hanging out with a girl he used to date. Dating implies that there was mutual attraction and sexual interest so that's a big red, flashing warning.

    Also, think of it this way: would you like if she was always hanging out with a guy that she used to date AND if she said "no" to avoiding him and, ultimately, chose his feelings over yours?

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    1. However, your priorities already seem pretty obvious to me. If you don't mind upsetting your girlfriend in lieu of upsetting your bestfriend, I guess the girlfriend has to go. If she can't overcome her jealousy (and that's something that is very difficult to do for most people - myself included), there's really nothing else that can be done.

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    2. I think it depends on how far the dating went. Like, if you dated the other girl for more than a year and had sex then I would probably not like that either. But if it was a short thing, you didn't have sex or if the time you dated is a shining example to you of why you should never date again then it doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me.

      It sounds like though that your girlfriend is making you choose either her or your friend regardless, so just weigh them out yourself. Do you value your relationship with your girl friend more or your friendship with your best friend?

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    3. We're crossing the line of "best friends with this ex girlfriend" and "briefly dated"

      I'm pretty sure OP means "briefly dated"

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    4. OP here.

      Yeah we briefly dated. Nothing serious. We ended it because we were better friends as best friends. I wouldn't want to date her again.

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  3. I'm a girl. My boyfriend of three years have two girl bestfriends since elementary school. He dated one for a bit, and it didn't work out. I'm the girl in your situation.

    I would never, ever, ever think about asking him to not be friends with them. In the beginning, I wasn't completely thrilled about him hanging out with them, but I thought it would be rude to ask him to stop. He may have sensed that I was hesitant, and let me hang out with them and I got to know them.

    Although he's not in Waterloo and sees them from time to time when I'm not around, I'm not uncomfortable anymore. He let me see that it was only platonic. I trust him more than anything and we have a fantastic relationship.

    Bottom line, yes, I think she's asking a bit too much. She doesn't trust you, and that's really bad for the relationship. You have to show her that its platonic and that your friend isn't out to ruin your relationship. If she still persists, I would think about the consequences in the long run of her not trusting you in the relationship.

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    1. Do what this person had done and let them hangout if it's not already happened

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  4. You do need to get your priorities straight. You used to date her and you're still best friends, of course that's going to look suspicious! It doesn't even have to be a trust thing, I'm assuming you're not going to be physically cheating on your girlfriend with your friend. But do you not see how uncomfortable a situation you've put her in? If this is your best friend, then you hang out with her often, talk to her about your problems, and probably confide in her about your relationship problems. This leads to an emotional intimacy that can easily lead to emotional cheating. It's a dangerous path to tread, and it makes complete sense that your girlfriend is worried here. It might be a bit much to stop completely being friends with your best friend, but if you really do want to keep your relationship with your girlfriend, at least tone down the friendship with the best friend. Move it to "friend", where all 3 of you can hang out occasionally and leave it at that.

    This is assuming you value your girlfriend over your best friend, which is completely your call. If not, then let her know.

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    1. -1
      emotional cheating wtf

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    2. -1

      A person can control their emotional cheating as much as they can control their physical cheating. A person can confide in a friend and not emotionally cheat.

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    3. Sure it's possible, it's just very risky. Emotional cheating is much harder to control and even define than physical cheating, and the gf and bf may have different definitions of the same thing.

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  5. ^Also like 2 said, imagine if it was the other way around. How would you feel?

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    1. Seeing as he has an opposite gendered friend, he would probably understand how a close platonic relationship is possible and feel less discomfort.

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  6. It depends on the relationship between your girlfriend and your friend. If your girlfriend can hang around her enough to realize that she has nothing to worry about then she shouldn't ask you to stop being friends. However if she has been given plenty of opportunities to hang out with you and your friend and your female friend is disrespectful to your girlfriend or openly flirts with you infront of your gf then she has a right to be uncomfortable because your friend isn't respecting your relationship (if she can't respect your relationship then she isn't a good friend). Pay attention to how they interact the next time you're all together. If, by chance, you are keeping them separate and now allowing them to get to know each other then you're being unfair to both of them.

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  7. If I had a girlfriend who asked that, and she made me choose between her and a friend, she would be gone before she knew it, with no change to get back together, and no regret on my part.

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    1. To clarify, I know that when I am in a relationship that I have to act differently around girls, to make sure she doesn't feel threatened, but if she thinks that I can't be friends whatsoever with a good friend, just because she is jealous, shes gone. I will obviously agree to change the relationship, like not hanging out alone with another girl for extended periods of time, going on trips with them, sleeping at their house etc. If she expects me to strip the friendship down to the bare essentials or she will leave me, just because she is jealous of me having a good female friend, then she is welcome to leave.

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    2. +1, you have a good mentality

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  8. So are people trying to say it's near impossible to have gf/bf and have a best friend or a close friend of the opposite gender?

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    1. Not exactly, just that there are some scenarios where it could be very stressful on your significant other.

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    2. ...no.
      They're saying that it's hard when your gf/bf doesn't understand that it IS possible, and gets jealous over nothing.

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  9. How can you go from girls not even MAKING FUCKING EYE CONTACT to telling you where you can put your dick and be around?

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    1. Misogynist dickhead would be my guess. Talking about women "controlling" men when they don't even deserve to make eye contact (in 9's opinion). Die screaming, 9. (I'm a man saying that, since I bet that makes a huge difference to you you piece of crap)

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    2. I'm still really confused by 9.

      Is he insinuating relationships just women telling men "When they can put their dick around"?

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  10. I think your girlfriend is asking too much. It could be that she doesn't have platonic friends of the opposite sex, or maybe she does and its straight-up hypocrisy. The fact that you dated briefly when you were younger is not only not really important but completely to be expected given you've known each other so long. Unless I'm missing the mark it wasn't a fiery, lustful affair that could reignite at any moment and more of a "we hang out a lot, you want to try dating?...nope, back to watching movies and razzing each other"

    Also, emotional cheating is bs. I can see someone cheating physically but still being in love with their SO and desperately wanting forgiveness. If you just love someone else and don't break up then you're a dick. End of story. My ex had feelings for someone else and kept dating me because it was convenient. "I didn't do anything though" doesn't really help me feel like I didn't waste my time being unhappy with a non-reciprocated relationship.

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  11. To be honest, I get where your girlfriend is coming from here. She probably feels (as you express in your post) that you are closer with your best friend than with her. That can't feel good for her. Ideally, your girlfriend should be your best friend.

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